If I ever lost my mother, I’d honestly lose a part of myself. My faith would really have to prevail to get me through that one. I say this with all the honesty in the world. I’ve lost her a few times, due to depression and just her withdrawal from life. No one sees, at least like I do. Yeah we live a life of struggles and everyone has their own, but when you lose that hope and ache for joy in life it just something else. Looking into her eyes, cold and lost. My rock, my soul my everything is scared, lonely and tired. Having Jarred with me, I’ve realized what a blessing and how wonderful it is to have someone there for you to love you and to make you better. Yeah I tell her that I love her, and I try every way to be that so called ‘man’ for her but of course it just isn’t the same. I want to see that smile on my mother’s face I want to see her look back and know she is loved and cared for and that everything is alright. My heart breaks every time she comes to me like this, every time she shuts down. I know her like the back of my hand and all I want is some peace for her, not the lottery, not a trip far away just a peace of mind, hope and joy again. I just pray to God every night and nights like this I just take it as a reminder to pray harder to love harder to appreciate all her sacrifices and to give her all the support I can.

I’m such a happy camper haha <3

su amor me hace bien <333

I love my baby. Like there’s no doubt about it, I’m so blessed to have this guy. I’m proud of what we’ve been through, what we’re going through, and what’s to come. Effortlessly, we’ve created this foundation of trust and it’s elevated us and created such an amazing energy overall that has just transcended into a new relationship. it’s exciting and I’m honestly just full of joy and humility nonetheless. I don’t dwell on the past or even anticipate too much of the future. When it comes to me and him, we’re just enjoying the now because there’s nothing like right now. <3

Underneath the smile lies such a colossal and atrocious demon within. Every time I think I get past this battle with myself, it creeps up and attacks me leaving me so vulnerable, overwhelmed, emotional, and frustrated. I always feel so detached from people and just alone. Unfortunately, that feeling takes over my mind and blurs the reality of the fact. I’m far from alone and I have wonderful people to go to when I feel this way. In a way I’m simply blocking my blessings when I close up from others like this. It’s not easy though and I hold so much expectation for myself, that I feel like I can’t just be myself with others. I’m my worst critic and like my mother said if i keep breaking myself down, I’ll miss all the blessings and wonderful things in my life, for I am ever so rich with love and wonderful people. Love really makes the world go round. it’s just the fear of being hurt and fear of someone betraying my trust and genuinity that brings me to such low points. I definitely need to follow my own advice … Let go and Let God.

sigh, it’s still a challenge getting through the state of mind that it really is as bad as it seems.